Just call me Gumby. Okay, so I may not be skinny, and I'm definitely not green at the moment, but my orthopedic surgeon obviously thinks I can bend in all sorts of unnatural ways.

I have knee issues, one being a torn cartilage that either keeps flapping and folding or has actually broken off. Who knew it could break? Isn't it supposed to be flexible, like, say, Gumby? So, I went to see my dear old family orthopedic surgeon.

Oh wait, I feel another digression coming on (Maybe it's my undiagnosed A.D.D.) I say family surgeon because this guy has made enough money on us to buy himself a yacht. He was looking at the my file: Oh, you're Lee's daughter! How's he doing? Tell him I said hello! Etc. etc. He did my dad's hip replacement, has checked out his back, my mom's back, my son's broken elbows, my shoulder and knee issues, etc. You get the picture. We see him reg-u-lar-ly!

As the torturer, uh, doctor was looking at my very sore knee, he starts bending it FORWARD and SIDEWAYS! I'm thinking, "Uh, Doc, God made our knee joints to bend backwards. Gee whiz, I didn't go to med school and even I know that." But I kept my big mouth shut as he continued to manipulate me and make me perform Gumbycise (it's the latest craze on all the informercials; have you seen it?).

After he finished making my knee sound like the percussion section of the marching band, and after a week of MRI's and xrays, he decides I should get a shot. Did you know those cortisone needles are 3 inches long??????????????? Thank the good Lord I'm not squeamish and therefore found this part rather fastinating.

The shot was to help the swelling in my knee. I tried to tell him I just have fat knees, but he said that my knee-in-issue was definitely puffy. Hmmm. Swollen. Puffy. I'm wondering if I can use that excuse for other "puffy" areas of my body. "No, I'm not overweight. Just chronically inflamed."

Then he sends me for a prescription of Naproxen. And being the responsible consumer and reading specialist that I am, I read the whole warning/usage/dosage paper that came with the horse pills. And this is what is said:

For the treatment of pain and swelling. Side effects: may cause headache and swelling of feet and ankles. Can you say "oxymoron?" So if I take it, I might end up looking like Gumby with Ronald McDonald feet and have my forehead gooped up with Head On. I've been taking it for a few days now and neither has happened. Whew. I already wear size 11 shoes: I don't need bigger paws, that's for sure.

Well, I guess I'll go work on my 180 legs lifts (90 for each leg) that I'm supposed to do in one sitting, in 3 sets of 30. I've found I'm much better at doing 3 sets of 3 and let's just forget that nasty little zero, shall we?